At this point I’m having a full panic attack. No idea what was happening. It was a disaster.

But since then, I had trouble with the obsession over fearing that a panic attack could and would happen to me at any moment.

For a while, I wondered if I was the problem. Everyone else seemed to find their people so easily, while my friendships kept slipping away.

Then, I found my people.

They had always been around, but I never really knew them outside of group settings. They stuck with me through the break-up, and I knew I had their support without them ever having to pick sides or be nasty to my ex. With them, I can find myself laughing my ass off one minute, then intently studying for an hour the next. 

So what if I constantly feared messing something up? Who cares if I couldn’t imagine a future where I wasn’t overworked? Why does it matter that burnout became a closer companion than rest?

At least I wouldn’t have to deal with downtime.

After a second summer of putting my all into three jobs at once, I knew something had to change.

I had to rebuild my relationship with rest. It was time to break my dependence on overworking and learn to rest again.

Unfortunately, I Was Born Gay and Sad

The day I realized my struggles with mental health weren’t unique was both comforting and devastating. Comforting, because I wasn’t alone. Devastating, because it meant the pain I’d felt as a queer, Black, neurodivergent, poor person wasn’t just my own—it was systemic. My trauma may be uniquely mine, but the threads that weave it are all too familiar to so many.

It’s funny how the smallest moments can shape our relationships and teach us things we never expected. I’ll never forget the first time I met my freshman college roommate. Move-in day, full of the typical awkward small talk: what we liked, what we didn’t, what we might need for the room. Things were going well, and the conversation drifted to how amazing the city was. I mentioned, offhandedly, how my mom had a “heart attack” walking into the nearby Super Target because it was so massive and impressive.

To my surprise, his face fell. Concern etched across his features, he asked, “Oh my gosh, is she okay?”

Think of a time when you just couldn’t get yourself together. Whether you couldn’t keep your room clean and The Laundry Pile(s) just got higher and higher, or you couldn’t keep clean because taking a shower or brushing your teeth felt far beyond what you could achieve. Maybe you had, or like me you actively have, a list of past-due assignments that seem to scream at you as each day passes.

I’ve been there. It’s 2 AM. You’re asleep. The phone rings. In a sleepy haze, you pick it up. You see that you have 2 missed calls from the same friend and more text messages than you can count.